I don’t like the child’s friends. What to do?

Let’s be honest: many of us would like to see diligent children (and preferably excellent students) among our children’s friends, who influence them in an exclusively positive way. In reality, of course, it varies from simple dislike to real concern for the child’s company. Let’s figure out when parental concerns are valid and when they are not-and what to do about it.

Why we worry about your child’s friends
First of all, it’s normal. Secondly, even primitive people loved and respected members of their community and were suspicious of outsiders. We inherited this peculiarity from our ancestors – it is irrational, but it helps us to be safe and not to get involved in strange relations.

So if you do not feel happy about the presence of a stranger in the house, albeit small and, say, harmless, there is no shame in it.

When anxiety is unreasonable: self-check questions
To understand how valid your anxieties are, try asking yourself a few questions. But try to ask them regularly. One day you may think your child is in danger, and another time you’ll see that you worried for nothing.

Is a friend putting a child in danger? It’s important to understand that parents may see danger where there really isn’t any. A friend calls to go skateboarding on asphalt ramps, with the kids fully clothed in protection. It’s probably safe if the rules are followed.

Or if it’s like this: a friend calls to climb into a construction site at night. It’s great that you heard about it from a child, it means he trusts you. But it’s probably dangerous. Maybe you should let the friend’s parents know.

Is the friend putting the child in a dependent relationship? A dependent relationship is different from a healthy relationship in that the dependent loses the ability to be independent. He constantly adjusts to his partner, wants to conform to his desires. He will go to the same construction site at night so that his friend doesn’t leave him.

You can notice a dependent relationship by the statements made by the child or his friend. If the child is often ashamed of not being able to do something for the friend – this can be the first signal. If the friend weakens him or her, coaxes him or her, gets angry at him or her, and then apologizes sharply and tries to be nice – that could be signal number two.

It is important not to confuse addiction with an acute state of falling in love, a desire to resemble the friend. When friends get the same haircuts and wear the same jackets, it’s normal. It is normal for any relationship, even a friendship, to merge. But it is important that the child comes out of this state from time to time, not to worry acutely about the hours spent without a friend, and could quietly do their own thing.

Is the friend prone to deviant behavior? If your child’s friend is on the police register, uses drugs, runs away from home, it’s a cause for concern. And perhaps the best step is to help your friend, to try, with the help of specialists, to give him support. But you can’t break boundaries here either: the first thing you should do is to inform your friend’s parents.

On the other hand, if a friend had one beer with your child, or tried smoking, it doesn’t mean that he has a tendency to deviant behavior. Teenagers try different things – it is important for them to try on roles, to gain experience. Another thing is that it is important to have all these experiences in a safe environment.

If you have answered all the questions in the negative, it is likely that your worries are unfounded and your child has just become very attached to a friend. It is possible that he may then be hurt by the betrayal, but it is impossible to prevent it, and you will deal with the sadness and feelings of loss later.

If you answered at least one question positively, and you have many examples, it is worth talking to your child seriously.

How to behave with your child, if the reasons for worrying are serious
Don’t break boundaries. You can totally turn your child against yourself. To break boundaries – means to interrogate the child and not to give him the right to silence. If the subject of friendship is painful for him or her by virtue of experience, it is not the fact that he or she will immediately agree to discuss it with you.

Don’t scold. If you are right, and the relationship in which the child is, is destructive for him, then your scolding will not help, and it will only make it worse. Moreover, there is no need to put labels: call the child a wimp, and a friend – the villain. Try to be polite and respect the child and his relationship with other people.

Emphasize safety. A child can get angry if he or she realizes that parents don’t like his or her friends for nothing. Although, really, what is there to hide: some people don’t like us for no particular reason.

What to do if the reason is serious, and talking doesn’t help
Contact your friend’s parents. Do not think that “bad” children grow up with “bad” parents. First, you don’t know why your child’s friend is putting him or her in danger. Second, it’s possible that the friend’s parents are worried about their son, too, and don’t know what to do about it. Perhaps together you can figure out how to proceed.