Introducing restrictions and rules into a child’s life correctly

Often in the process of family counseling, the psychologist is faced with the task of accompanying parents in the process of introducing and maintaining family rules. This is exactly what is needed in situations where everyday advice such as “be tougher” is called for. Clear and clear rules are especially important for hyperactivity syndrome and for children with oppositional defiant behavior disorder. Using rules helps parents who are implementing pandering hyperopedic parenting (permissive parenting) begin to change the way they interact with their child.

The importance of rules
First of all, we need to talk to parents about the importance of rules and the need for reasonable restrictions in parenting: they clearly mark the child’s zone of freedom, thereby taking care of his protection. The rules are based on order, the desire to observe and maintain generally accepted norms.

The rule allows to move away from the abuse of the parent’s personal power. Where an authoritarian parent would say, “We have to do it because I said so,” a democratic parent might say, “We have to do it because we have rules.” In addition, rules bring certain values into the family’s life. For example, the rule “It is customary to ask permission if you want to use someone else’s things” teaches respect for other people’s property and boundaries.

The psychologist needs to ask parents what rules they adhere to in the family. It often happens that the rule seems to be implied by default, but it is not pronounced aloud. To be able to appeal to the rule, it is better to state it directly. At this stage of work it is important to talk about characteristics of “good” rules and together with parents to search for optimal formulations.

Criteria for “good” rules
What kind of rule or restriction should be so that it becomes a tool for a child’s development and not a tool to suppress him or her?

1. total (applies to everyone). It is better to formulate a rule so that it does not only concern the child. The rule can be formulated in as general impersonal form as possible to emphasize that it concerns everyone.

An unfortunate variant is, “I don’t let you play with scissors.
A successful variant: “You don’t play with scissors.

Emotionally neutral (is not accompanied by any comments concerning the child and is made in a quiet tone).

An unfortunate variant – “Until you learn to draw accurately, you will draw only in an apron.
The successful variant is “You can paint only in an apron.

3. clear and unambiguous. It is very important to avoid ambiguous language. For example, in one family where the daughter was very reluctant to eat, parents introduced such rule concerning dinner – “If Katya has a good soup, she may not eat the second one. Such a rule leaves a lot of room for discussion: say, half a plate – is it good enough or not?

Or the words seem clear, but each family member interprets them in his or her own way. For example, the words “clean up in the room,” the child may mean that there is nothing on the floor. But it is worth opening a closet, as if an avalanche from the mountains, a powerful stream flow of clothes, toys and other carefully placed on the shelves. To avoid such situations, it makes sense to clearly articulate in advance what is meant by the words “put in order.

Probably one of the most ambiguous formulations is “behave yourself. For the same reason, it is better to avoid words like “try.

4. Sets a pattern of desirable behavior. It is important that the rule does not just forbid something, but guides it. Therefore it is always better to formulate the rule in an affirmative form and to avoid negations. For example, if we want to get a child to be quiet at the polyclinic, it is not necessary to say, “You can’t shout here,” it’s better to say, “They speak in a low voice here.

An example of a “good” rule
In a family where mom, dad and six-year-old Alina lived in one room, there was a rule: “During the game, try not to scatter toys around the room. Of course, it is almost impossible to follow such a rule: it is ambiguous and does not give a model of desirable behavior.

After learning the criteria for “good” rules, parents, together with Alina, chose a beautiful bright satin ribbon in a store. This ribbon became the boundary of the space of the game. The rule became: “You can play within the limits that are marked with the ribbon.” At the beginning of the game, Alina, first with the help of one of her parents and then herself, arranged the ribbon in such a way as to separate the space for herself to play. This considerably simplified the problem with throwing toys.